I have been using dating apps for four years now. After breaking up with my girlfriend, I started using dating apps to meet new girls. Later, due to Long Covid, they became a tool for keeping in touch with humanity. Spending my days at home, lacking the energy to go out, I was able to interact with new people.
Interesting Experiences
I met numerous women: many online, few in person. Some of these encounters were helpful in better understanding certain aspects of my personality.
I went out with a woman from Milan, who was my age. Our chat was immediately enjoyable: we wrote to each other daily, and there was a great synergy between us. So, we moved to the next step. I went to Milan and we met one Saturday afternoon. She took me to see City Life, which I had never visited.
She enthusiastically told me about the neighborhood: she went there often and loved the buildings and parks. For her, who had moved to Milan from Campania to study at university, that part of the city represented a hopeful glance toward the future. She took me to Piazza Gae Aulenti: when we arrived, her eyes sparkled with joy.
Then we moved to Corso Como for an aperitif. I hadn't enjoyed such a pleasant afternoon in a long time, filled with chatter and smiles.
It was time for dinner, so we headed toward my car. We walked side by side, our hands constantly touching. We stopped, and I kissed her, which she reciprocated. What an emotion it had been so long since that had happened!
I had reserved a table at a Vietnamese restaurant I knew. We savored delicious dishes, which accompanied our conversations.
It was time to head back. I drove her home, and once we arrived in front of the gate of her building, I asked for a kiss. "One for today is more than enough!" she joked. So, we said goodbye, and I headed home.
We continued to write to each other, and after three weeks, we planned another date. Still in Milan, but this time at a cocktail bar near her house. I bought her a gift, a tote bag. It was a gadget sold by an Instagram account that we both followed. I wrapped it in a white sheet on which I drew lavender flowers, which she had confided she loved very much.
Giving small gifts has always been a way to show my affection for those I care about. This girl was giving me pleasant moments that helped me overcome days that were sometimes complicated due to my illness.
When she saw the package, she burst into tears. I cried along with her. Living in suffering has made me much more sensitive to the feelings of others. It’s as if my skin had transformed into a radar. It picks up the vibrations emitted by those close to me and sends them directly to my heart.
The tears quickly gave way to a toast and smiles. However, this time our hands didn’t touch; she was very careful to avoid contact. I was a bit confused; I didn't understand why she had this reticence.
We went out and headed towards the station where I would take the train to go home. I thanked her and limited myself to kissing her on the cheek. This time I was the one to get emotional; something told me I wouldn't see her again.
Indeed, her messages became increasingly sparse. After a couple of weeks, I stopped writing to her. What a pity.
I talked about it with my therapist, who told me something very interesting. According to her, my life, filled with loneliness, was pushing me to accelerate my relationships with women. I needed to make the most of every second of my existence; I wanted to seize everything from each moment.
She was right: looking back, I can see that I overwhelmed that woman with my exaggerated enthusiasm, which made her raise her defenses. I couldn’t blame her.
Digging deep into my inner self helped me quickly get over that disappointment. A few weeks later, still on a dating app, I met a woman who lived in Piacenza. There was an immediate connection. She was a few years older than me, divorced with two children. She had a sharp intelligence that attracted and fascinated me.
We met halfway, in Cremona. I didn't know that city, and she guided me while we walked among the churches and palaces. Before entering the warmth of a bar, we kissed. It was very passionate; I didn’t expect it.
Finally, we returned to the parking lot where we had left our cars. We started kissing again. Anyone who saw us would surely think we were two teenagers. We had the fervor of those who have no time for the future.
She asked me if we wanted to meet again the next day in Milan. She had to buy Christmas gifts and would spend the day in the city. I said yes without hesitation.
We had lunch at a very nice place. Then we walked for a long time, talking about everything. She introduced me to many delightful spots. I was particularly struck by the small botanical garden in Brera. A true gem.
We said goodbye in front of her car, parked not far from Piazza Duomo. We shared a nice goodbye kiss, but then she literally disappeared the very next day. There was neither anger nor disappointment on my part. I was left surprised, speechless at what was textbook ghosting.
Then I met the love of my life, but that’s another story.
Ghosting in Dating Apps
As I have already mentioned, for me these applications are a way to stay in touch with humanity, but if I were in normal circumstances, I wouldn’t use them. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and their counterparts create anxiety. Profiles scroll across the screen at an impressive speed: close-ups, unlikely expressions, poses in cool places, and empty words fill the eyes. The brain goes into overload, desperately wanting to receive likes and matches.
It’s a real emotional drain. Then it happens that the match comes. They exchange a couple of messages, and the interlocutor disappears, ghosting or deleting the conversation. No explanation. It rarely happens to go beyond basic pleasantries.
I believe this phenomenon occurs because, while chatting, it's possible to see other profiles, or other women who may potentially be more beautiful, more intelligent, and more interesting. Those faces feed the hope for more intriguing matches.
It’s a bit like the pop-up store that just opened in Milan. The shop sells anonymous packages, inside which are online products that were never delivered. For a certain amount of euros, you buy a package with the hope of scoring a great deal. The reality is quite different: the vast majority of the time, the contents are meager or consist of useless items.
The challenge of chance is embedded in our DNA, the illusion that we can control our destiny. Yet, it is nothing but a delusion, useful only to blind our eyes.
Have you ever used these applications? What do you think about this little phenomenology of dating apps?
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